As I sat in my obyn’s office yesterday, a flood of emotions and memories came back to me. 7 years ago I sat in that very office as I found out I was pregnant with our 4th child. To most, that would seem like exciting news, but for me, it brought fear.

Just a few months before I found out I was pregnant with our 4th child I had miscarried our 3rd child. I was in Oklahoma because my older sister was in labor with her first child. She had asked me to come to her labor to act as a doula and while she was laboring I was also cramping. I was 14 weeks along with our child so I thought I was simply having labor pains (is that even a thing?!). I didn’t think much of it until I started bleeding. I knew what was happening, I was miscarrying our baby. I called my husband to let him know since he was in another state. I am sad to say that I did not fight for that baby. I did not go to war and pray that I would not cast my fruit from its vine until it was ready. I was just in shock. I couldn’t believe I was joining the ever-growing list of moms who have lost a child. I felt abandoned by God and didn’t want to talk to him. (I know that he did not take my child but I am just sharing my real, honest feelings here).

I called my doctor and he told me to just wait it out and the baby would pass on its own. Or so he thought. In the middle of the night, I woke up to extreme cramping, bleeding, diarrhea, vomiting and I eventually passed out. Luckily, my brother in law is a medical doctor so he tended to me until the ambulance could arrive. I do not remember my ride to the hospital but I do remember waking up in the emergency room and overhearing the following conversation between two doctors:

We can’t get the bleeding to stop. We did an ultrasound on her ovaries and there appears to be a mass by them. If we can’t get the bleeding to stop we are going to have to remove her ovaries.

Remove my ovaries. When I heard them say that, something stood up inside of me. At this point in life, we had two little girls and my husband had received a word from God that we would have a son. If they removed my ovaries this meant no biological son. I didn’t have any strength left in my body so I started to pray in my spirit. Moments later I heard them say “Whatever mass that was by her ovaries is gone so now we can just do a D&C”. 

It turned out that the placenta was stuck and not passing which is what was causing all the blood loss. Once they surgically removed that the bleeding stopped.

Everything you just read happened in a cold, hospital where I was all alone. I had no family with me because I was out of state and my mom had to stay at the house to watch our girls. I should have felt so alone but it was as though God himself was in that room with me.

The days that followed left me feeling confused and disappointed. I wondered why God didn’t intervene and save my baby. How could this have happened to me? Did I do something to deserve to lose my baby?

After a few weeks of distancing myself from God, I felt him tell me to ask him those questions. He showed me how much he loved me, how this wasn’t my fault, how he did not take my baby and how he longed to redeemed what the enemy had stolen.

I asked him to redeem the baby I lost. Just a few short months later, I became pregnant with our only son. I went ten days past my due date and delivered him on my birthday. No child can ever replace another but to see God’s hand in such a dark situation reminded me that he is a good God who loves to redeem what the enemy has stolen.

My rainbow baby

I was recently asked to review a book called “Love Baby:  31 Devotions Helping you Grieve and Cherish Your Child After Pregnancy Loss”. Reading this book has brought even deeper healing into my heart. This is a resource that I wish had been available to me after my loss. If you or a loved one has ever lost a child, please don’t hesitate to buy this book.

To the momma’s who have lost a child; I am so sorry. Your story is not mine. It doesn’t matter if you lost your child at 1 week or 20 weeks, a loss is a loss. It still hurts in the depths of your soul. I pray this post gives you hope to know and believe that your heart will be whole again. That your loss was seen by God, and in due season, he will redeem that loss.

I am praying for your heart.

Love,

Rachael Joy

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