Hi, friends! If you follow me on social media, you know that I just came off an amazing time of hiking the Grand Canyon & co-hosting the Declare Conference. I have so many things I want to share with you about those of those trips but I feel God asking me to take a pause and do some #realtalk with you about what’s really going on with me.

I started blogging 3 years ago simply to work on my writing. It turned out I had more to share than I thought and God has written and spoken some pretty cool things through me. But as I’ve found myself more immersed in ministry and surrounded by others who do the same, I am seeing a matter of the heart that I can’t ignore. Anytime I am noticing a sin in others I feel the Lord remind me about the plank in my own eye. Sometimes God will open our eyes to others sin in order to reveal that very sin in our own lives.

I am seeing myself, and others, start out with very pure intentions of wanting to encourage others and lead them to Jesus. But somewhere along the way, it becomes less about Jesus and more about me. This is not something I am proud to admit, but often when I post things on social media I care more about who liked it then who told me to write it. I am finding that if I don’t start my day grounded in the truth of God’s word and who he says I am, then I am easily tossed to and fro by the opinions of others.

I am reading a book called “How to Stop the Pain” by Dr. James Richards. I have never highlighted in a book so much in my life. He talks a lot about judgement, and how whether it is a good or bad judgement of a person, the moment we judge is the moment we decide to become God of our own life. In the most recent chapter I read on our own self-judgement, he says:

We lack a biblically based sense of self-worth. We’re not confident in the love and acceptance of God, so we try to get it from people.

I have spent all morning talking with God about why I seek so much approval from people and that quote sums it all up. Because I am not confident in the love and acceptance of God I am constantly striving to get it from people.

At The Declare Conference this year God confirmed to me that I am supposed to start a podcast called “Real Talk with Rachael”. I have resisted this call because I have no idea what I am doing and feel completely inadequate. As I sat with the Lord on my feelings about doing this podcast, I felt him tell me to pause and not move forward until I know how deep and wide his love is for me. I do not want to move forward on another dream with selfish ambitions lurking in the shadows. To be honest, as God has revealed this ugly sin in my heart, I am ready to throw in the towel and go off the grid. If our only reason for being a Christian communicator is our own selfish gain then we should leave God out of the picture and pursue a platform like the world.  Any platform we labor in vain to build we will have to labor in vain to maintain.

I’m even struggling with pressing “publish” on this post, wondering if I am hoping someone will reach out to me and say “it’s okay, we all struggle with this”. It’s not okay. I am not okay with using the name of the Lord Jesus Christ to promote my own name. Jesus, I am so sorry for ever using your name for my own selfish gain.

I am deciding to hit “publish” on this not to throw all my dirty laundry at your feet but instead to ask you to hit the “pause” button in your own life and ask God if there are any areas where your heart has lead you astray. I believe as we all get #real with ourselves and God he will detox our hearts and propel us into new territories with him.

I’m rocking my new shirt from Simply Bliss Boutique to remind myself that #real is the new perfect.